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 Post subject:
Bush, Schwarzenegger lead way |
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Bush, Schwarzenegger lead way in "War on Grammar"
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Washington, D.C. -- California Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger and President George W. Bush held a joint press conference in Washington Monday to announce the implementation of what they are calling the 'War on Grammar' - a staunch policy aimed at stamping out all grammatical rules and structure regarding the English language as it is used on American soil as well as abroad.
"Today Governor Schwarzenegger and me stand united in our wish to see all English speaking individuals use the language in a way that is comfortable for them, not in the way that some book teaches he or her to use it," said Bush, speaking in the fractured English he hopes to see thrive through the realization of the campaign. "English users, you and us have for too long been forced to live under the oppressing rule of language dictators like the Oxford Dictionary, which spells out the very way you and me talk our phrases and write our sentences. I'm here to tell you today that this oppression ain't gonna stand no more."
Schwarzenegger proudly echoed Bush's sentiments.
"During my campaign for Governor of the great state of California, I asked the people, 'What is the most biggest thing you'd like to see changed in this nation?' and they tell me, 'It's not the most biggest, it's just the biggest,'" said Schwarzenegger. "Well, the people have spoken, and what they have said is that their words are very important to them. So myself and the President vow now to create a world where the people are free to use the English in whichever way how they want."
"This is, after all, America - where our freedom and words should be allowed to ring out!" added Schwarzenegger to the sound of clicking camera shutters and muted coughs. "I say, 'Let the people's words ring out! Let them ring out!'"
The announcement comes less than a month after President Bush phoned the Governor-elect following his election victory to tell the equally grammatically challenged politician that Bush was "looking forward to working with him." Despite the proper syntax that littered the conversation, the officials agreed that their first order of business would be to eradicate the rules of grammar that have caused each leader overwhelming embarrassment during their political lives.
White House sources said the President would not have been able to launch the War on Grammar without Schwarzenegger's support.
"Though Bush has a long, well-documented record of opposition to the grammatical guidelines of the English language, the President felt his public distain of correctly formulated sentences alone was not enough to justify going to war on the language," said White House spokesman Allen Abney. "Having two high-profile politicians publicly massacring the English language on a daily basis will no doubt give the War on Grammar campaign a great deal of legitimacy and serve as a warning to snobby English professors throughout the land: your days are indeed numbered."
According to Abney, the first phase of the War on Grammar involves analyzing intelligence reports in order to isolate key grammatical targets within the Oxford English Dictionary.
"Although Mr. Schwarzenegger is eager to get the English speaking world back into the habit of using mostly grunts and body language to communicate with one other within his first year of office, he and the President agree that this war on language must be waged one step at a time," said Abney. "The first target on the list is the rules governing the use of pronouns that neither leader can ever seem to get right. After that they'll make sure that all English-speaking people are free to use adverbs as adjectives without being corrected." |
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